Dear parents, we know that you care about us and you wish us the best, however, many of you do not know how to approach their child who stutters and because of that you make mistakes that we notice and which are not good for us. We know it's not your fault and that you're trying, but here are some common mistakes you're making! If you find yourself among them, try to correct them - for the benefit of your child!
The following "golden rules" apply to children who stutter, but also to children who are going through a stage of developmental/physiological stuttering. I call these rules "10 golden rules for parents":
- Never, ever, raise your voice at your child to stop stuttering!
- Do not interrupt the child while he stutters and do not finish their sentences!**
- Don't look away, look him or her in the eyes while they are talking because they will interpret this action as not listening to them and just then they will try to speed up their speech, and then it all goes down the drain!
- Don't tell them to calm down, because they know it but simply can't!
- If they were in therapy (for example, Valmod), point out to them that they are not breathing correctly, that they are not using their vocals the way they have been learning in therapy, but do not do it in such a way for them to think you are attacking them, be calm!
- Do not correct them if they use the so-called connecting words "like", "mmm" etc. They do not do this because they do not know their language, but because it is easier for them to connect words this way, you have to understand that!
- Do not warn them when they stutter because, believe me, they know it!
- Do not do all the tasks on behalf of the child (making phone calls, going to the bank, etc. just to avoid any form of communication) because it will become a habit and it will be an even bigger shock when they have to do it themselves. Of course, here and there, over time, you can do things like this for your child to help them, but not regularly!
- Don't send him to a psychiatrist for stuttering!
- Talk to the teachers at school and point out that your child stutters, explain to them how they should treat him!
I deliberately started this chapter with the rules because they are very, very important and should be followed if you do not want to worsen not only the speech but also the general mental state of your child.
** There are therapies and certain approaches to stuttering that recommend interrupting stuttering and helping with speech, but I'm not talking about those methods here, because in order to use such methods, you have to know exactly what you're doing and follow the instructions of the speech therapist, because the communication between you and the child must not be negative. If your child participates in such therapy, of course you should listen to the speech therapist and follow the correct instructions.
Recognition of stuttering
We have already discussed the stages of stuttering in chapter 1, the physiological/developmental stuttering, and we will start with it again because it is very important when it comes to recognizing stuttering in children.
Worried parents of children between the ages of two and six contact a speech therapist because they notice that their child is repeating sounds, syllables or whole words. This kind of stuttering is called developmental because it usually disappears by itself during growing up. Developmental stuttering is most often a transient phase associated with intensive speech development. We have already explained why stuttering occurs in the aforementioned chapter 1 (more complex sentences, richer vocabulary, etc.)
When you recognize the symptoms of stuttering, it is very important to visit a speech therapist as soon as possible. The speech therapist will immediately (or after several visits) be able to clearly determine what kind of stuttering it is. They will give you clear instructions on how to work with the child in such a situation and will recommend further steps.
Do not be too worried during this phase because a very large number of children stop stuttering with time, but it is also very important how you treat the child while he is in this phase. It is extremely important for you to be patient, friendly, available and positive, which your child will recognize and will not pay special attention to the speech and the current problem. It is possible that the child reduces communication a little because they begin to understand that they cannot speak in a regular way, but in such situations it is important to encourage (not force) communication with the child, to animate them through something they like and thus motivate them to communicate with you.
Accepting that the child stutters
Let's talk about the example where a lot of time has passed since your child started stuttering and the speech therapist told you that it is most likely stuttering. In this case, some parents refuse to accept the fact that their child stutters and refuse to do exercises, go to therapy, and do not realize that this only harms the child even more.
Don't feel ashamed that your child stutters, because then you will transfer the same feeling to your child and only make the situation worse. In simple language - explain to the child that he or she stutters and that it is perfectly fine, that this speech obstacle can also be solved with therapy, exercises, etc. Be positive and open about it, because then the child will not see it as something terrible and will approach this problem in a completely different, positive way.
It is important to show the child the correct path and positive thinking at the first appearance of stuttering, so that they can later approach it in the same, positive way. Remember - you are a role model for your child and your child almost always takes over, i.e. copies the characteristics of your behavior and, because of that, let them take on as many positive traits as possible!
Be their guide, adviser and a person of trust throughout school
Of course, a lot of the things I mention in this book are not only related to stuttering, but can also be applied in any other situation. Always being there for your child is something that everyone should do, whether the child stutters or not, but I mention it here because it is extremely important to know how your child behaves at school if he or she stutters because you can draw certain conclusions in which direction your child will develop their character. A very common problem at school can be the termination of communication and withdrawal. It is your job to discover and recognize this in time.
You will do this, of course, by communicating with the teacher, but also by talking to the child. Ask them every day what happened at school, who they talked to, what they were talking about, what are the names of his or her friends, who is their best friend and why. Let them single out the best event of the day, but also which was their worst! Communicate with each other why that particular event was the best/worst for them, let them open up to you, talk and listen patiently the whole time, look them in the eyes and analyze the whole story! Always respect the "10 golden rules" when talking.
When the time comes for oral presentations, reciting and similar things which you know cause great stress to your child, practice with them at home! Let them recite in front of you, encourage them and, if they stutter, ignore it completely, focus on whether they recited the poem correctly or not. If they get a lower grade in an oral exam or reciting, ask them what happened! Maybe they said they didn't study enough, but they were actually afraid to speak in front of the whole class.
In my opinion, the best option is to encourage them to try again next time and don't be angry about it! Talk to the teacher and let them know that your child stutters and that sometimes they won't have the courage to do the presentation in front of the whole class!
Should you ask the teachers not to do oral exams in front of the class with your child?
This question is very complicated to me and I was often not sure what to answer when I was asked this from people who stutter on the Portal. In my case, the answer is very complicated and confusing:
- sometimes I didn't want to do oral exam in front of everyone;
- sometimes I didn't want to do oral exam in front of everyone, but when they didn't invite me to do it, I was disappointed because I knew all the answers;
- sometimes I just aced the oral exam in front of everyone;
- sometimes I did terribly in front of everyone and was angry with myself;
- sometimes I didn't say everything I knew just so the interrogation would end as soon as possible;
- sometimes I volunteered, stuttered a lot, but I was proud;
- sometimes I volunteered, stuttered and I was sad.
As you can see, the answer to this question is very complicated.
However, in short, my answer is - it depends case to case. It also depends on the teacher's ability to visually assess such a child. With one glance at the child you can see from the facial expression whether he or she is ready for such a thing or not. If they refuse a direct eye contact with their head down - probably not. If they keep on looking at you - maybe they are ready. We cannot say for sure.
Sometimes a child is full of enthusiasm and self-confidence, but as soon as they start talking, everything goes down the drain. Then again, sometimes they look gloomy, not interested and yet speak brilliantly! It is very difficult to assess and evaluate such things. My honest opinion is that with the right, positive approach and constant communication with the child, you should not permanently postpone oral examination.
Maybe sometimes if the child is going through a crisis you should ask for delays, but in general, I am more of the opinion that you should learn to "fight" it and learn to look for "small victories" from such experiences. Of course, you are there to teach them to see those "small victories" because most of the time they will not recognize it.
I am a parent who stutters. Will it affect my child?
Your child should not stutter just because you stutter. Everything that applies to parents who do not stutter, applies to you as well. That is regular communication, positive thoughts, proper approach towards the child. The only difference in this case is that at a certain age the child can start imitating you, i.e. imitating your speech, so it may seem like he or she is stuttering, but all he or she is doing is actually striving to be like you.
In such situations, it is very important to stay calm, not panic and talk to the child, in fact, do the same as I have already mentioned for parents who do not stutter. If the child continues to stutter, when you visit the speech therapist, it is important to mention that you stutter too. Remember that children's first role models are their parents, which means that they will try to imitate them. Therefore, the steps in such a case are almost no different from the steps when dealing with a parent who does not stutter. In fact, as a person who stutters, you know first hand exactly what suited you and what didn't, so you will perhaps know how to conduct better in certain situations.